Facing forward

It's hard not to get caught up in the ifs buts and maybes of what was and what could have been. To think about the things that are lost/changed. My career which now live's on a shelf, my body which is now the subject of a year long fitness campaign, my ability to have children which has been stolen from me.

I have little understanding of why this illness happened to me. I have however come to accept it is here to stay, which is a huge part of the battle. I'm not saying I'm not angry... I'm angry as all hell, but I don't let that blind me to the realities of my prognosis.

So looking forward I see a life with this illness, for me and for my family. I'm doing ok with this. I mainly get angry and upset when I look back. I can't ignore the 24 years of life I had before my life changed forever but if I think about them too much... Well it can be really painful and I have enough pain in my life.

Any time that shell or I get truly depressed about our situation is when we start thinking about what could have been... Where we could have been living, what we could have been doing, how many kids would be running about, how much money would be in the bank account!

Most of this stuff we have come to understand as unimportant. We value the really important but smaller things in life now. But something's like financial security (not being rich just not crying over money each month) and being able to start a family are tough things to deal with.

Right now my focus in all about facing forward. Focussing on getting as well as I can be, in body and mind. Making sure our future is as financially stable as possible, and starting a family.

I can't keep looking back, I can't compare my life with an imaginary life that may have one day happened. This is the life I have now and it is beautiful and spectacular in it's own understated way!