The darkest of times ...

There are many side effects and consequences of Cluster Headaches (CH), sometimes they affect my life as much if not more than the pain itself.  However,  the more friends I make who share my fight with CH the more I meet who are also fighting mental health problems, mainly depression, anxiety and panic…Just like me.

This is major heart on my sleeve time… but it needs to be said.

Over the course of my journey with CH there have been dark dark days, for me and my loved ones. Those around us may not share our physical pain but they certainly come along for the emotional journey. This is my story, every journey with mental health is different , but I think others may see their story reflected in mine.

The battle to get diagnosed, the battle and balance of finding the right treatment, the ongoing war against the pain, the side effects and the medical system in general. The list continues with financial worries, employment issues, a lack of understanding in the medical and general community … Is it any wonder it got to me in the end.

Personally I have experienced depression up to and including making a suicide plan, anxiety including panic attacks and a fear to leave the house and have at times self-harmed. I’m a qualified social worker with a psychology background, I spent a lot of time over the last 10 years working for a national charity who support those living with mental health problems and dealt with a lot of young people in crisis…. But I couldn’t help myself.

Sometimes I kept these feelings to myself… These times were the darkest by far. There is nothing worse than these toxic thoughts in a deep dark hole when you are all by yourself. You are desperate to find a way out, but without someone to help you, you just dig yourself deeper. The only way I ever got out of this hole was to open up and talk to someone. This was usually when things hit crisis point. I have enough tablets in my possession to kill all the inhabitants of a small town…If I wanted to kill myself I have plenty of opportunity but something has always kept me tied to this life that I love.

Other times I confided in my wife, my parents, my siblings, my extended family and friends. But this is hard. It’s a balancing act. Those who are closest are already shouldering so much of the practical and emotional burden, as such they are best placed to understand how you feel as they see it every day, but you are desperate not to burden them anymore that you need to.

I leaned more on 4 or 5 people in particular and that in itself after 8 years makes it really hard to keep going back to them with not only CH drama but mental health concerns too… I really felt like Eeyore with a dark cloud following me that people got dragged into if I got too close. So you isolate yourself so as not to hurt others with your hurt. This takes you back to dealing with things by yourself which I’ve already acknowledged is scary and unsafe.

Then there are the people who are a little further removed from your situation. They sadly or not depending on your point of view, are not aware of the true hell that is CH and therefore,, in my experience are keen to comfort you with statements like ‘At least you are still breathing’ ‘It could be worse’ or ‘when my friend had migraines…’ (AAAARGH). They mean it with the best of intentions but, but well it’s not  helpful.

So I adjusted my coping strategies, I call these people when I need a distraction; I need to talk about anything but what I’m going through. I rely on these people to make me laugh when I need to smile and make me remember the good things in life. I think that’s such a common misconception that people with depression can’t be happy. Yes there have been day’s, weeks and months that I thought I’d never be happy again. But I always am. Depression is a sliding scale and you shouldn’t have to justify where you are on that scale. Just because I’m laughing with you today doesn’t mean that tomorrow I won’t be sitting in my bed unable to see anything but the dark cloud over my head.

I’ve faced my demons, with friends, family and professional support. I am no longer ashamed to admit that alongside my physical health conditions. I have depression and anxiety. All of these things are part of me. I need to be aware of them, the impact they have on my life and the impact my actions can have on them. I am proud of my coping strategies… I have them in abundance and as long as I stay calm I can utilise them. I can’t thank my counsellor more for helping me develop them; they are my toolkit for daily life.

This is just the picture of my roller coaster. One day I’d like to write all of this down, saying exactly what I was thinking, feeling and doing. For now I just wanted to acknowledge the other fight in my life and to be proud of who I am… including all my perfect imperfections!

Never suffer alone… please!

For people in the UK (I’m sorry that’s as far as my expertise can go)

The Samaritans (24/7):

08457 909090

Ouch:

Helpline

01646 651 979

or overseas

+44 1646 651 979

“The Ouch (uk) helpline is available 24 hours a day 7 days a week.Please leave your name and telephone number,preferably a landline number,and your call will be returned as soon as possible.
All calls will be returned between the hours of 10am and 2 pm by one of our trained helpline team.The helpline is monitored throughout the day,and if your call is of an urgent nature we will contact you as soon as possible outside of normal hours.
We fully understand that some people would prefer to contact us via e.mail.If you would prefer this method of contact please e.mail helpline@ouchuk.org.”