So when I got diagnosed, these are some of the things I wasn’t
expecting to be in my life…
My head is ‘foggy’, that’s the
best way to describe it. Although some days I would say my head is ruined!
My memory is appalling, not my
long term memory, that’s actually really good. It’s my short term memory that’s
really bad. As an illustration, I’m sitting here watching TV this morning, the
ad break comes on and by the 2nd ad I had completely forgotten what I
was watching. I do this all the time and will often flick between channels on the
break and end up watching parts of 3 or 4 shows in an hour.
Last week I was standing in the
middle of my kitchen about to do some tidying up which is quite an achievement for
me, and I thought I’d like to have a little dance while I did it. So out came
my I phone and I knew what music I wanted… I knew but I couldn’t remember the
artists name… I tried but I couldn’t! I could see the album cover… but I just couldn’t
remember. I sat on the floor and I cried. I don’t know why this particular incident
upset me so much. I forget all the time, but maybe there is something about the
pain free hours I have at the moment that make the things I tolerate when I’m
in pain, because the pain is my focus, that bit worse.
It was Calvin Harris for anyone who is interested!
When this process started I was
reading for my PhD. This is when things started to go wrong and apart from the
pain my most obvious sign that I was unwell was my new inability to read
anything… and I mean anything. I would read a sentence and by the time I got to
the end I had forgotten the beginning. Needless to say I didn’t complete that
degree!
Latterly after my stimulator was
implanted I completed a masters in Social Work. But not before I requested a
formal assessment of my situation. It was at this point that I was diagnosed with
acquired dyslexia. This broke my heart. Education has always been at the core
of my life and after undertaking GCSE’s, A levels and 3 degrees with relative
ease and enjoyment I was heartbroken. But the support I got was phenomenal and I
learnt to learn differently. But it’s not easy… its not me.
I love writing and reading but
audio books and blogging are the nearest I come to it nowadays. I miss it.
That perpetual feeling of having
forgotten something is depressing. ‘What did I come in here for?’ ‘can you
please pass me the …. Erm… that… the red thing…sauce… please…ketchup!!!’ ‘where
did I put my keys?’ It’s constant every day.
Word recall is frustrating to say
the very least. I forget or rather can’t produce one word in about 20. Some days
it’s much much worse.
When there is a TV on, or we are
on a noisy train, any background noise I can’t make sense of what people are
saying to me. I have to be able to see their face to read their lips… there is
nothing wrong with my hearing I just can’t process the different noises. I don’t
think there is anything wrong with hearing…maybe I need to get that checked out
just to be sure!
So everyday, regardless of the
pain level is ‘Foggy’. Words are a challenge to me, reading writing and hearing
are a problem to me. There are a number of hypotheses… the medication
(especially the anti-epileptics are famous for this), the illness, the sleep
deprivation. Certainly changes in all three for me have had an effect at some
point.
So if you see me struggling… just be patient with me. I’m trying to make
sense of this world through the fog!
No comments:
Post a Comment