Am I coping? What is coping?
When you look at my life, what you see isn't reality all the time, in fact most of the time. Everyone thinks I'm coping... but what does that even mean.
But why would they think i'm not coping? One of my closest friends asked me today how I was...the answer that came out of my mouth was 'I'm fine', the answer screaming through my head was 'can I have a hug and cry for a little bit'
I don't break down in tears and scream 'it's not bloody fair' all day long which I would like to
I don't pull the duvet over my head and stay there all day, which I would also like to do.
I smile even though I'm dying inside. I laugh when I didn't even hear the joke. I keep going long after I should admit defeat.
Is any of this coping?
It's how I survive, is that coping? I'm scared of boring people with my sadness, seeing yet more friends disappear.
I'm scared if I start getting angry, or crying that it might never stop, I'd never get jack back in the box.
I live a life suppressing all my feelings. It's not a good thing, I need to let the anger, frustration and misery out more often and I need to feel joy & happiness more often... sadly when you suppress your feelings even the good ones stay down too!
Coping is subjective. In answer to the statement I hear so much 'you cope so well' ... yes I do cope, but not all coping strategies are healthy.
